Coffee House
by nia-ox
Summary: Edward, in his usual coffee shop, sees a mysterious brunette in the corner of the room. He's intrigued because she doesn't look like she belongs...but who is she and why exactly is she in one of the shadiest places in town? AH, AU, OOC
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Major thanks to CunningMascara, who beta'd this for me.**

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I watched, enthralled, as she ran her tongue over her cracked lips again.

It was a nervous habit; she'd done it six times in the last fifteen minutes as she drummed her fingers – bitten, painted black stubs of fingernails – against the wood of the table, checked her watch impatiently, and stared at the clock or down into her empty cup.

I knew this _coffee_ house wasn't a local jaunt of hers, as it was mine – she was innocent and naïve. I wondered why she was here; I wondered what was forcing her here against her better judgement. I knew she must have better judgement.

She'd walked in twenty-five minutes ago, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. The hand on her bag tightened – she was nervous, too aware. She looked good; she was wearing a leather imitation jacket, a baggy white vest, dark jeans and wrecked Docs. She went to the table closest to the counter, only two tables away from mine.

Tanya was on her instantly, and I didn't really listen to what they were saying, I was just so fucking focused on her smile.

Yeah, she looked good.

I'd been staring at her all this time, and her eyes had met mine a few times over her coffee cup; I wasn't sure about the look in her eyes – interest? lust? – but I knew I wanted to get to know her.

"Eddie baby, here's your coffee." Tanya dropped the dirty cup onto the stained wood of the table, smiling her black smile at me before walking away, swinging her hips.

She was a crack whore, and probably my least favourite.

Her hair was an adorable shade of blonde when I met her first, behind this coffee house, though it was a dry cleaners back then. She hadn't even touched drugs before she met A, one of Jazz's old dealers.

The more she took, the dirtier she became. She never took her makeup off, barely ever washed her hair – she was too desperate. She needed the drugs too badly. It was the only thing she thought about- hygiene and beauty went out of the window the second she got addicted. I don't think the idea had even crossed her mind before I suggested it.

"Eddie, I need drugs. For Christ's sake, I need something!"

"Buy it," I'd said simply, taking a final drag from my cigarette and discarding it, flattening it under my boot.

"Do I look like I have any fucking money?" She whined, dragging her bloody fingernails through her dirty mane. Biting her nails had become a nervous habit of hers, it still was.

"Fuck for it." I said simply, jumping onto the dumpster next to Jazz, who was busy getting high. Again.

"What... like... fuck for crack?" I remember thinking, _Bless her virginal heart. She doesn't even know what a crack whore is. _

"Yeah, Tan. Fuck for crack."

And once she started getting the crack, she started getting cleaner again, started looking at least fuckable if you were desperate for one. She looked even tastier when she dyed her hair, a cute chocolate brown.

Kind of like New Girl, as I'd so lovingly dubbed her, sitting in the dim light of the coffee house next to the plastic potted plant. Tanya's dyed hair was kinda like New Girl's, but I knew New Girl hadn't dyed it. She looked all natural.

But Tanya, she properly fucked it up. A had suggested she go back to blonde, so she did. And it went wrong, leaving her with this root-riddled strawberry blonde mop. Yuck.

She kept on trying to get into my pants, but dude, no. I didn't fuck crack whores who ran coffee houses.

I fucked girls who looked like New Girl.

She was real nervous, I could tell. So clearly her first time here. It looked like she was meeting someone, if she wasn't then I would have introduced myself or sent A over to her.

I mean, what kind of a good girl goes to a drug den disguised as a coffee house?

Finally, the little bell on the door rang, signalling a new customer and New Girl's head shot up so fast she musta' gotten whiplash. I turned to see who it was – who was she expecting, who had she been waiting for?

The messy blond hair was familiar, as well as the beat up leather jacket that used to be mine before he filched it. I knew this person better than I knew anyone.

Jasper.

Okay, maybe she wasn't waiting for him. But fuck, her eyes were shining, her tongue running over her lips again. She stood up. Oh God. Oh Fuck.

She _was _waiting for Jasper.

_What the fuck?!_

His hand hit my back as he walked past, and I frowned at him. He gave me his signature smile and inclined his head to New Girl's direction.

Oh God. Where the fuck did he find her? Please, please, let her not be a crack whore. I liked her too much for that, my dick liked her too much for that.

"Jasper," her voice came out like a croak, her throat was dry. She cleared it and smiled at him. "Jasper," she repeated, clearly this time.

"Sorry I took so long, Bells." He smiled, collapsing into the chair opposite her; she copied him. "How long you been waiting?"

"Oh, only like five minutes or something," she lied perfectly, there was nonchalance, she was casual. You didn't hear drugged up cunts lying like that – she was clean.

"Actually Jazz, she's been here for around half an hour," I called over.

The entire room went silent and Jazz laughed - but this 'Bells' he was with looked at me with wide eyes. The radio crackled on in the silence – why the fuck was Tanya playing Pink?

"Stop eavesdropping, Cullen." He called back. The murmuring that had been filling the void in the room started up again, but I didn't really care.

I was staring at her.

Bells' eyes went wider, if that was possible. "_That's_ him?" Her voice was a whisper as she stared at her coffee cup, running her index finger around the rim.

"That's him," Jasper confirmed. "Didn't think he'd look like that?"

"Not at all..." She mumbled.

"Bella..." His voice was tender, which was kinda freaky – Jasper didn't get gentle with girls. "You don't need to get freaked out, I told you why we were meeting here."

_Bella._

She looked like a Bella. Beautiful. The way Jazz was acting with her was disgusting, it repulsed me. Not because he was being sweet, no. That was great, that was great with any other girl but her. I wanted her.

Fuck, I needed her.

"I know...I just didn't think he'd look like that, no problem other than that, no need for _you_ to freak out, Jazz."

She called him _Jazz_.

Only three people called him Jazz, or anything else other than Jasper. His mother, Emmett, and me.

Fuck, he was whipped and he'd never told me he'd met her.

"Okay, hon. You wanna leave now?" She nodded her head vigorously, and I resisted the urge to slam my head against the table.

They were leaving.

Which meant they were fucking.

I mean, Jazz hadn't even stopped at A's table, he didn't have that bulge in his jacket pocket that told me there was a flask of Vodka in there.

So he was fucking her.

Shit.

She got up – she was pretty short, maybe 5'1, 5'2 at the most, she looked like a dwarf next to Jazz's 6'3". He sauntered over to her and wrapped his arm around her. They looked real good together. That knocked my nose out of joint.

I'd never felt like this about a chick before, not once. I didn't want her to fuck Jasper, I wanted her to fuck _me_. I wanted her to fit into the crook of _my_ arm. I wanted her to wait in a coffee house that she knew was blatantly a drug den for _me_ even though she didn't take drugs.

There was so way she took drugs; she was too good for this place.

"Wait, can I go say bye to Tanya?" She asked Jasper, looking up at him. "She was real nice to me this time."

This time?

She'd met Tanya before?

Why the fuck hadn't I met her? If _Tanya_ got to meet her, why didn't I? She'd probably met Emmett, too.

"Sure baby, I'll be with Edward."

Thank fuck. That boy had some answering to do.

She nodded, her brown eyes ghosting over me for a second before she ducked under his arm and walked over to where Tanya stood behind the counter.

Jazz walked over to me cautiously, he knew I was pissed. He always knew how I felt – it started the first time he smoked weed, he just started spouting stuff about how I felt, because he 'could feel it too'.

"What the fuck, Jazz?" I growled as he approached my table.

"Sorry, man." He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "I knew you'd want to fuck her... and it's just... I really like her. Like, loads. I mean, I'm... I think I love her."

"Oh." How could I want her if he loved her? "I can tell."

"Yeah... I kinda made her wait for me here so you could meet her... but I ...I get it if you don't wanna."

"I do." I blurted, leaning forward. I wanted her, I wanted to know everything about her. I wanted to know her face; I wanted to know her taste and her tongue. I wanted every part of her.

And he knew that.

"Edward... please, don't. I like her, I mean...please man. Don't fuck her, don't mess her up. She's completely clean. She's good for me."

I knew she'd be clean. I _knew_ she was too good for this place. Just like me.

She'd be good for me, too.

I wanted her fucking bad.

And if I told Jazz I wanted her this badly, I'd never get anywhere near her.

"Sure, man. You know I wouldn't fuck her if you feel like that about her."

"Promise?" His face was tortured – he must like her so much.

"Yeah, 'course man. You know I wouldn't."

I would.

She walked over to the table then, putting her little hands on his slumped shoulders. He immediately straightened up and looked at her. She was smiling.

"Hello, Edward." She said quietly. There was a look in her eyes that I saw a lot, I knew what it was even though I didn't want to. She was scared of me.

"Hey, Bella." I tried to be real nice, so she'd think I was alright.

It wasn't like I killed _good_ people, only the bad ones.

Which kinda made me bad, too, didn't it?

"Bell, we better go now. We'll see you, Ed," Jazz nodded to me, his eyes guarded.

They walked out of the door hand in hand, and I knew that I was fucked.

Jasper was a good friend of mine; he was my best friend. I'd take a bullet for him, I'd do anything for the guy.

But I _had_ to have Bella.

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**Okay, so I got a bit bored, this'll probably be a one shot forever. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Huge thanks to** **edwardandbellabelong2gether who beta'd this for me¬  
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I couldn't help looking back at Edward Cullen sitting at his table in the coffee house. He was staring over his shoulder at me, an unsatisfied look in his eyes.

When Jasper had told me about his killer best friend – in the literal sense – I hadn't imagined him looking like that. Green eyes, pale skin and bronze hair.

Translation: he was gorgeous.

"I'm sorry," Jasper whispered, squeezing my hand comfortingly as we walked to his motorbike. "I should have been with you to meet him properly; I shouldn't have sent you there on your own. I don't know what went through my head, I just thought maybe if he saw you before I introduced you...I should never have let you go there, honey I'm so sorry."

"Jasper, honestly." I said reassuringly – Jasper always needed that. "It was fine; I just didn't expect him to look like that, is all. I was expecting some huge Mafia guy."

And I wasn't expecting what I felt for him, either. It was a good thing I had a fantastic poker face.

I swung my leg over the bike after Jasper, my arms worming around his waist in a routine way.

I'd been with Jasper for 3 months now.

We were both at a clinic for self harm treatment, in the first group meeting. We had to explain why we hurt ourselves, and what we were hoping to get out of the treatment.

There were six in our group – Harriet, Marissa, the questionably named 'Rocky', Sam, Jasper and me. Elaine, the leader, insisted that we introduce ourselves _alphabetically_, which meant that I was first, because I'd shortened my name to Bella from _Isa_bella.

"Well then, Bella, would you like to stand up and introduce yourself?" Elaine's voice had been sickly sweet – I hated her now as much as I did then.

Elaine was the devil incarnate. She had blonde, wispy hair, clipped back into a twist. She was wearing a suit, beige, that was obviously too small for her, the buttons were about to burst away. Her face was chubby, kind of like a pug dog with all of its lines and folds, and her beady eyes were deep-set into her face. Yeah, Elaine was the devil incarnate.

I'd stood up, shaking a little. It was then that I noticed him. Then that I accurately looked at him. Jasper, sitting two seats away from me – alphabetical seat order, too – was staring at me. Well, everyone was staring at me, but his look was different. Intense when I met his gaze...but when I didn't, he made it look like he was just spacing.

I liked him and I didn't even know his name.

"Er, I'm Bella. I'm eighteen. What I want from this treatment is to leave self harm behind me." I sat down.

Elaine's stupid pencilled in eyebrows furrowed. "Bella, you didn't actually say _why_ you hurt yourself."

_Yeah, you stupid cunt. You didn't say why you hurt yourself! Get back up and tell them all the same lies you tell everyone else._

"Er, I don't like talking about it..." I'd mumbled, letting my face fall down so that I was looking at my hands twisting like snakes in my lap, writhing in embarrassment.

"That's not very good, now is it Bella?" Elaine said condescendingly. "The entire point of this is to open up and to get rid of the dangerous outlets forever."

"If she doesn't want to say, she doesn't have to." Jasper's voice was low, with a southern twang. I looked up from my nails and smiled at him.

"Thanks," I'd mouthed.

"Er...well, very well. Harriet?" Elaine became fast friends with Harriet almost instantly. Harriet rambled on about the pain she'd gone through when her boyfriend chucked her, but I hadn't really listened.

I was locking eyes with Jasper.

I couldn't get away from him, even when I looked down I could feel his gaze on me, penetrating my skull. And when I looked at him, his blue eyes locked with my brown and all I could see was them.

"Jasper?" Elaine's sickly sweet voice penetrated our bubble, and Jasper looked at her before standing up.

"I'm Jasper. I'm nineteen, 'bout to turn twenty. I cut myself because I take too many drugs and I'm a miserable git. I wanna stop cutting." He sat down.

His bluntness was an act, I learned that later. But at the time, I couldn't stop staring at him. How easily he could put his mistakes out on the table without consequences or a care.

Marissa? Abuse, neglect.

Rocky? Decoration.

Sam? Outcast.

I heard all of their stories, but I didn't take it in very well, Jasper became the highlight of the meeting. After we were dismissed, our eyes locked again. We walked to each other across the circle.

"Thanks, Jasper...for helping."

He grabbed my hand and raised it to his parted lips. I could feel his breath on my knuckles right before he kissed them.

_He doesn't actually like you, you know Bella. He's just faking it, like everyone else. Everyone hates you._

"It was no trouble, Bella. You wanna get coffee or something?" At first, I'd been so shocked by his offer that I was silent, giving him the wrong impression.

"Or not. I mean, only if you want to. Or you know, something else...um, maybe...never mind if you don't want to, you know, it was just an errant thought and you seem so similar to me and so beautiful and interesting and I know you're probably dating someone, sorry, but, I just thought...never mind..." I let him ramble on just so that I could hear the beauty of his voice and his compliments, but when he let go of my hand and ran his hands through his unruly hair, I smiled.

"Of course I'd like to go get coffee or something with you, Jasper." I smiled, grabbing his hand. "Er...do you mind if I catch a ride with you, I rode the bus here."

His smile was suddenly wicked, having recovered from his embarrassment. "I've got a motorbike, is that alright?"

"That's great!" I enthused. I used to ride a motorbike back with my friend Jake...a while ago.

So we sped off, my head pressed into his back, and arms tight around his waist. We ended up in his apartment, talking about our problems and drinking coffee.

"Tools of the trade?" He'd asked, indicating my pale arms, marred.

"Scissors." I smiled. I had a pair in my handbag, a monstrous sack that I carried everywhere with me. I swear, you could fit a dead body in that thing.

"Razor." He smiled back. He didn't mind telling me. We were like kindred spirits, and it helped, telling him everything. I didn't get scared, I didn't feel paranoid.

"So, when are you going to tell the group you hear voices?" He asked, coming back into the room with refills.

"W-w-what?" How did he know? I had no idea; it was the one thing I'd left out.

_He's a perceptive one, isn't he?_

"You hear voices. It's no problem to me, don't worry. I recognize the expression on your face -I hear them when I get high." His voice had been light, like he was talking about the weather.

_Ooh, very perceptive. I like him a lot. _

"But...I've never taken drugs." I mumbled.

"I know. It doesn't matter that you hear voices. They'll go away eventually and we can get you some medication for it."

His hand was warm around mine and I knew I wouldn't be miserable for much longer.

"Okay. But I don't want to go back to therapy." I whispered.

We didn't go back to therapy. Jasper didn't do drugs any more, I took Zyprexa for my symptoms, and neither of us cut ourselves.

We both smoke and drank.

A lot.

I knew I loved him, more than I'd loved Mike or Jake or anyone else. I felt like he was my lifeline. I loved everything about him...

His caring side

His dangerous side

His paranoid side

I loved it all.

He was good for me.

Meeting his friends had been a big step in our relationship – I'd met his mother three weeks into the relationship, but with his friends he was more cautious.

"What are they like?" I'd been curious.

"Well, there's Emmett. He's a big guy, a bouncer-slash-bodyguard for Rosalie Hale."

"Rosalie _Hale_? As in, Rosalie Hale the supermodel, multimillionaire?"

"Yes, that Rosalie. She's actually pretty nice, apart from the way she keeps Emmett with her constantly – Emmett's been crushing on her since he took the job, so it's not like he minds."

"Wow."

"Then there's Tanya, she's real nice. She takes drugs though, she gets them from my old dealer, A. You'll like both of them, but I don't think we should spend too much time with A..."

"You'd get tempted." I finished for him. He smiled gratefully and kissed my knuckles.

"No problem, I wouldn't want to get tempted either," I laughed with him.

"And then there's Edward." Jasper was reluctant to tell me about him. "Bella...you know I'm not exactly from a good background?"

"Yes," I answered. "And I don't mind in the least."

"Edward's my best friend...but I'm not sure if you should meet him."

"Why?" To me, it was simple – if Edward was Jasper's best friend, then I should meet him. His mother had been lovely, if a bit dangerous.

"He...he's a great guy. Really great. He's always been there for me...But he...his job isn't the best...I think..."

"Jazz," I said sharply. "Spit it out."

"Bells...baby...I...it might scare you...It's not exactly legal...It's..."

"Jazz, what is it for God's sake!? Arms Dealer? Drug Dealer?"

"He kills people."

I imagined him to be a big guy, five o' clock shadow – he had that, just like Jasper, but I didn't expect it to be so alluring – huge leather jacket, skinhead, scars, and black eyes. The look of a killer.

But he wasn't.

And the truth was disgusting; it made me want to retch as we sped down the road, my head nuzzled into Jasper's shoulder. My eyes were watering, even though I was wearing a helmet, and I wondered if it was more than just the speed that was making the salt water drip down my cheeks. I mean, I had everything right now. Charlie loved Jasper as much as I did, practically, I was happy, I was in love. I shouldn't want any more.

But the cold hard truth was...

The truth, God, that truth.

It was really repulsive, it was beyond perverted.

I was attracted to my soul mate's best friend.

_If I fell in love you,  
would you understand me dear,  
love is weird.  
I coloured you a valentine,  
struggled just to stay inside the lines,  
I lose my mind. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended. **

**Humongous thanks to shaelove for betaing this for me!**

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I splashed the icy water over my face again, praying I could wash everything I felt away.

I'd seen her once.

_Once._

I hadn't taken her on twenty dates and fucked her six ways from Sunday. I didn't even know her, for fuck's sake. I'd seen her once, I'd seen her smile once. I'd seen her walk out of the door once. I'd seen her walk in once. I'd seen her drink one fucking cup of coffee.

But when I closed my eyes, when I lost my focus, when I fell into thought, it was her brown eyes and stunning smile that I saw, swimming around like a mermaid in an ocean of tuna.

She'd been in my head for the past two weeks.

All I wanted to do was to hear her voice, maybe see her in the flesh again, maybe talk to her...maybe hold her.

Maybe even kiss her.

The only problem was, Jazz hadn't been answering my phone calls; I'd even tried ringing the main line and I got nothing but the dial tone, stretching on for hours – he didn't have an answer machine. I knew the dial tone stretched on because I sat there, holding the phone to my ear, missing appointments, wasting money.

Just wanting her.

It was completely fucking sick that I wanted her as bad as I did.

I'd nearly cost myself a client, too, last night.

When you're stalking someone, there's no option but to ignore everyone and everything around you. That includes brown haired girls you think may or may not be your best friend's girlfriend.

Turns out it wasn't Bella, and despite my disappointment, I continued after this guy – Hewlett Clarkson – and thanked God I didn't mess up.

But it was still a warning to me and my lustful dick – stop fucking about.

I just couldn't get her the fuck out of my head. She was in there like a cancer tumour, slowly spreading throughout me until I was completely infected.

Until all I could do was think Bella.

Until all I could do was breathe Bella.

Until all I wanted to do was to love Bella.

But I couldn't. I'd lost her before I'd even found her.

I stopped staring at my tortured expression in the mirror and stomped into my bedroom, grabbing my Blackberry from the bedside table and collapsing onto the bed with a thud.

I needed a fuck.

Now.

Before I got too out of hand and ruined the best thing ever to happen to my best friend.

I unlocked my Blackberry and typed in, T-A. Within seconds the number I wanted was up, and I pressed the green phone button.

"Hey honey," came Tanya's purr from the receiver.

"I need...some pills, if they're going spare." I spat out, realising I what I had been about to ask her for. I barely ever went to Tanya. Only when I was real, _real_ desperate, or when a working girl couldn't be found.

The girls you paid for were always better – and I was never short of money. They let you do _anything_ to them, the weirdest and most wonderful things. Of course, I just liked keeping it simple – a good shag, end of story. Maybe a bit of bondage if I was in that kind of mood. I liked going home with lipstick on my collar and satisfaction pouring off me like sweat.

"Sure, baby. You bring the usual. See ya' in ten." Dial tone.

Vodka and protection. The usual.

The coffee house was as dark as usual, and A saluted me as I stormed in, cutting to the chase and walking up to Tanya. I greeted her with a quick kiss on the cheek, swallowing the ecstasy she held out in her talon hand with only a swig of the Vodka I was meant to give her. I slammed the rest of the vodka onto the counter with the half-empty packet of condoms.

"Thanks, Tan."

"Anytime, Eddie baby." She winked, patting her back pocket – where the box of condoms would stay until she needed another hit.

I walked down to the usual place; it wasn't that far from the coffee house. Red light outside the door. The questionably named Rocky, covered in tattoos and scars, was there again, ready to greet me.

"You alright there Mr C?" Was his gruff welcome.

"Yeah, Rocky. What's new?"

"Not a lot, Jessica's been fucking about with some new girl she wants to bring in, Lauren. A blonde. You'd like her."

"Sure." I said absent-mindedly.

Rocky was a great guy, nice to talk to before or after having a good chick. But I couldn't concentrate right now.

Rocky eyed me in the dim light of the street lamp, sending a yellow glow over the street and our features. "You looks a bit keyed up, if you don't mind me sayin' so."

"I am a bit keyed up, Rocky." I growled.

"Girl problems?" He crowed, laughing the laugh of a chain smoker.

'Girl problems' was mine and Rocky's inside joke – we both knew I never had girl problems, they came flocking to me. I never got hung up on people.

I sent him an icy glare. "Yes."

His hard-man exterior softened a little, his grin slackening into a look of sympathy.

Bastard. I didn't need sympathy.

_I needed a fuck._

"I'll go call Jessica, shall I?" He asked, standing aside so I could walk through the door.

I passed him quickly, shrugging out of my black jacket and handing it to him.

"Yeah. And tell her to bring _every _brunette you've got."

_Guess it's just a silly song about you__  
__And how I lost you__  
__And your brown eyes _


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**shaelove, thank you so much for the beta!  
**

"I love you, you know that?" Jasper murmured, covering me in kisses.

I giggled, something almost unheard of with me- until I met Jasper. "Stop it, you. I love you too, now get to work!"

"Jasper Whitlock, saving the day one CD at a time!" He joked, kissing me on the nose and departing through the door.

I got up off the sofa and practically skipped to the bathroom. I'd decided when I woke up this morning that I'd go and see Tanya. I didn't have many friends, especially girl ones, and Jasper's underworld whore friend was new to me – interesting and welcoming. She was always really kind, offering me drugs and free drinks and whatnot.

I'd been living with Jasper for the past three weeks, officially. Our six-month relationship had practically been perfect so far. Moving in with him wasn't a big a step as it should have been, seeing as I'd been staying over night after night since I'd met him. We were dysfunctional, but I loved him.

The hot water in the shower had run out, but that was understandable, Jasper and I had spent so long in there earlier, and now my hair was untameable and still a little damp. I eyed myself in the mirror. I'd been looking so much healthier since I'd been with Jasper simply because I was happier. There were bright spots in my cheeks, and my eyes were shiny. Most importantly, my arms were cut-free. I didn't really feel the urge to go and find anything sharp – my scissors lay at the bottom of my suitcase, untouched for six whole months.

I applied eye liner, thickly rimming my eyes, and put some bright pink lipstick on. I looked alright, but my hair wasn't going to be tamed. I threw it up into a pony tail. I walked over to the wardrobe, pulling out random garments. Jeans, shirt, shoes...I was good to go.

The stroll to the coffee house wasn't long – Jasper only lived around 10 minutes away. I assumed he usually took his bike there just to keep up his hard-man image. I walked into the coffee shop with a spring in my step, earning a nod from A and a beaming smile from Tanya as the bell tolled upon my entrance.

I'd become a regular at the coffee house, but everyone knew I came for the coffee, and not for the drugs. I guess that me being a good girl made me the forbidden fruit – everyone wanted to get to know me. And after the first awkward couple of weeks, I'd been introduced to every eager face in the entire place. I knew them all by name, I knew their purposes there, I knew their sob stories and I knew their secrets.

Apart from one.

I'd met him once. But I'd thought about him more than that.

Edward.

His seat was empty today, but no one touched it. It was almost like there was a forcefield around it, or like it was contaminated with some contagious and deadly disease. It was Edward's chair, no one sat in it.

Just like no one sat in mine.

Tanya smiled a welcome when I jumped up onto the stool by the counter – the bar, more accurately.

"Hey, Bella. Pill?"

"I'm good thanks," I smiled, resisting the urge to chuckle. It was a routine we had – she knew I'd never take any drugs, but she offered anyway.

"Drink?"

"Vodka, please. With coke."

"In a cup or a line?" She joked.

"I'll go for the cup today, Tan." While she bustled around, I began talking.

"How's business?"

"Alright, but that's not anything exciting. I have bigger news – gossip." Her eyes widened, and then she seemed to become interested with something behind me. I didn't bother turning around.

"Oh, do spill!" I said enthusiastically, accepting the drink from her.

"There's a new chick down at the club." She smirked, paying attention to me once again.

We all knew the club was code-word for the brothel.

"Oh yeah? What's she like?"

"Blonde, pale, thin, long nose. She looks pretty bitchy, I didn't like the look of her."

"How have you seen her?" I asked, frowning.

She laughed. "I go and talk to Jessica from time to time, but this time..." Her voice lowered until it was less than a whisper. "Edward went down there- God, he was fuming. In fact, I think he's been down there every other night for the past few months! It's not like him, I don't know what's gotten into him...But anyway, he walked out and Lauren came trailing after, asking for his number. It was pretty weird, because he usually goes for blondes, but according to Jessica he's been having a new brunette every time, and absolutely wrecking them."

"Wrecking?" I asked in a low voice.

"Oh, nothing bad like that. But he..exhausts them, apparently. For at least a day!" She laughed out loud, cackling at the absurdity of it. "I never had _too_ much trouble with him, but he's pretty good like that if you know what I mean."

"You and Edward?" I gasped, a little too loudly.

I didn't know why that made me angry.

"Shh, you fool, he's staring at us!" Tanya's eyes widened and she dropped her head

When had he walked in?

My head whipped around and my eyes met his for a second.

They were practically black, the green boiling and darkening while we locked eyes.

"Sorry...Tan, I'm gonna go have a cigarette." I hopped off the stool and tried to walk slowly to the door, failing miserably.

I just couldn't be in the room with him.

I lit up, inhaling slowly.

I felt him before I heard him.

A presence next to me, a warmth emanating from him in the cold air.

"Hey," I didn't dare turn around.

"Cigarette?"

I held out the packet.

"Thanks."

I held out the lighter.

I listened for the click, I listened to him breath in one of those lung destroyers.

I held my breath.

"Thank you." The packet and the lighter fell back into my hand.

"My pleasure." I whispered, breathing out again and taking a drag.

The silence was killing me, and I couldn't help the words that flew out of my parted lips.

"Tanya, huh?" I said it with malice, frowning and fumbling with my cigarette.

"Not often."

"It's none of my business..." I said, taking another drag and throwing the butt to the ground, grinding it under my shoe.

"I know. But really, only once or twice. Ever."

"Okay." I started staring at my shoes, not wanting to look at him.

"I prefer brunettes." He murmured, curling a strand of my hair that had escaped my pony tail in his hand.

I looked up at him, finally, exposing myself to the devastating beauty of his face.

"So I hear." I whispered, walking slowly away, leaving him standing outside the door, and leaving my drink half drunk on the counter. I didn't look back.

_One last kiss_

_One last cigarette_

_One last chance to look back_

_And regret this._


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Shaelove is absolutely AMAZING - the wonders she's done with this chapter are insane!**

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She looked amazing today.

Even better than every other time I'd stared at her across the room.

She looked like a front page fuck.

Her hair was swept up into a messy ponytail, strands falling around her face as she looked up, nodding at A and smiling at Tanya and the rest of the room. She was radiant. Faded, ripped jeans. I could see some of her milk bottle skin, probably so soft to the touch, through each torn hole. Red shirt, clinging to her skin like it was spray painted on. And Jasper's leather jacket.

_My leather jacket._

She looked so hot in my clothes.

I wondered what she'd look like with just one of my shirts on.

Or nothing on.

But it wouldn't be the first time I'd thought about her like that.

I saw her eyes skip quickly to my empty seat – I hoped I didn't imagine the lack of my presence leaving her with an unsatisfied expression.

Everything about her was fascinating to me.

She pulled my jacket off, exposing the long sleeves on the red shirt. She sat at the counter, talking animatedly with Tanya, and I took my chance to sit down at my usual seat while she was distracted, all the while staring at her. She was swinging her legs on the stool, tapping a plimsoll clad foot on the metal base of the seat.

Tanya was whispering frantically to Bella, eyeing me now and again. I was too focused on Bella's shirt riding up as she leaned forward intently, exposing milky soft flesh that was aching to be touched to care.

The mumble of the coffee house was broken with Bella's words.

"You and Edward?" She gasped, an emotion in the undertone of her voice that I didn't understand.

She turned around in a flash, her hair whipping her face.

Her eyes met mine.

I prayed that I could get my dick to go down. But she was just too fucking gorgeous. I wanted her. So badly.

"Sorry...Tan, I'm gonna go have a cigarette." She fled out the door, and Tanya raised an eyebrow.

"Funny one, she is, huh Eddie?" Tanya called to me.

"Hm, guess so. I need a cigarette too."

For some reason, I didn't want her to hear my approach. I wrenched the bell up while I slipped through the door, and let it close behind me.

The wind was whipping her hair around, she looked like a tempest brewing.

So beautiful.

She was clutching in her hands a packet of Malboros, and her lighter lay on top of the pack, crumpling under her fingers, in a claw over them.

"Hey." I said quietly, coming to stand close enough behind her until I could smell her – cigarettes, a bit of vodka...but mostly strawberries.

"Cigarette?" She held out the packet, her voice trembling a little.

"Thanks." I said, taking it from her. I didn't really feel like one...but I wanted something.

Something to have in common with her, something for her to think of me whenever she did it.

Like smoking.

She held out the lighter, and I wasted no time lighting up and taking a drag. She wasn't inhaling or exhaling – I wondered what was wrong.

"Thank you." I grudgingly gave her back her possessions. If only I could keep them forever like a memento.

If only I could keep her forever, a living memento of how much I loved her.

"My pleasure." She whispered, exhaling finally and then taking a drag.

If only I could keep her here forever.

If only I could stand so close to her, if only I could watch her full lips part and close, if only I could smell her scent forever.

I stepped forward a little, wondering how she'd react if I held her. I didn't care about the consequences, I just wanted to feel her little body in my arms.

She was silent. It was perfect.

Then she broke it.

"Tanya, huh?" She fumbled with her cigarette, and I clenched my fist, taking a long drag.

"Not often." I answered tightly.

How I wanted our moment back.

"It's none of my business..." She said, taking another drag then throwing the butt to the ground – how casually she did it, without a thought – and stamped on it with her shoe.

"I know. But really, only once or twice. Ever." I didn't want her to think I did Tanya.

For fuck's sake! Why couldn't I have her? Just for a second? I didn't even want her to fuck me – well, of course I did, but for the moment, all I wanted was to feel her, feel every inch of her up against me.

"Okay." She tapped her feet.

I couldn't help myself.

Her hair was blowing into my face with the wind, and I grabbed a bit that had gotten out of her ponytail.

"I prefer brunettes." I said quietly, remembering all of the writhing brunettes I'd had under me recently, dreaming they were her.

Then she looked up at me.

It devastated me – her beauty, her eyes, her lips, everything.

What hurt me was the tears brimming in her eyes, and the words on her lips.

"So I hear."

She walked away, and I stood there, anger filling my entire being. I threw the cigarette away, watching her disappear around the corner.

Fuck.

No.

She did not just fucking leave me like that!

No, she couldn't!

I wouldn't fucking let her!

Why didn't she want me?

Why didn't she crave me like I craved her?

Why didn't she want me?

I stormed back into the coffee house, earning looks of curiosity, worry from some.

"What the fuck is wrong with her?" I growled, slamming my hand down on the counter opposite Tanya.

Her eyes widened. "Fuck."

"What?" I hissed, spitting at her.

She didn't bother wiping her cheek. "You want her."

I couldn't really deny it.

"Tanya," I began menacingly.

"Oh God, shit, it's worse than that, isn't it? You're in love with her!"

I growled, low and deep.

"Fuck, you love her! That's why you've been so messed up!That's why you're messing up all those brunettes! That's why you aren't talking to Jasper!"

"Tanya." I repeated, hoping I could keep my cool.

"You love her. Oh fuck, Edward! You love her! You love Bella!"

The entire coffee house was quiet.

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, Tanya." I spat, storming out of the place.

And walking in the direction of Jasper's apartment.

_I'm not lovin' you  
The way I wanted to  
I can't keep my cool  
So I keep it true  
I got something to lose  
So I gotta move  
I can't keep myself and still keep you too _


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended. **

**Shaelove is amazing for betaing for me - thanks!**

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I walked faster and faster back to the apartment, seething.

Fuck.

"Fuck." I growled under my breath, thankful no one else was on the same path as me.

FUCK!

I didn't have an inkling why it annoyed me that Edward was going in and out of the club every night, fucking every girl he saw. It was his right, wasn't it? I was making love to Jasper, so it was pretty much tit for tat.

Not that it mattered, anyway.

Not like we should have any kind of fairness in whatever we had.

Because we didn't have anything.

Nada.

Zip.

Zilch.

_Zero._

I stomped my feet harder along the deserted pavement, trying to force the anger that was fuelling my very being out of my body, off to bother someone else with its intensity.

I closed my eyes briefly, watching the pictures and scenes behind my eyelids unfold- and opened them again. Damn it, I was never, not ever, going to watch them do something like that. No.

_I think it's kind of funny. The pain you're in. I mean, he's not even your boyfriend._

"Please leave me alone," I whispered out loud.

No answer.

Thank God.

I was relieved to find myself at the door of the apartment, and I catapulted myself up the stairs with as much strength as I could muster.

By the time my breathing had slowed to a normal pace, I was lying on our bed, staring up at the ceiling, counting the grooves and the dips in the art that had somehow found it's way onto Jasper's grotty ceiling.

I closed my eyes and let the images assault me.

Hands running up and down her arms.

Hands clutching at skin, squeezing, caressing...

Did she put her face in the crook of his neck like I so longed to do every time I was near?

It was the place I imagine emanated the most heat, the place that I was sure spilt his scent.

Did he regret it?

Probably not.

Was she a better lover than I was?

Was she a better lover than I could ever be?

I could just see him, pressing her up against the rough concrete wall of the coffee house, her groaning with lust - and in pain from the rough scratch of the brick. So dark...but I could see them; more than I'd like. I just wanted everything to go dark inside my head for a while.

And then it was like something inside me had broken; my throat tightened and I let a few tears slip out. As long as I had this....this need for Edward, I would see them, see it every time I closed my eyes - even though I hadn't seen it at all.

Bile rose in my throat, and I gagged – I felt so sick I might choke, and I shot up from the bed, gasping for breath.

Last thing I wanted to do was choke on my own vomit, so that Jasper could come home to find his girlfriend sprawled across their bed, vomit dripping from her mouth, eyes closed, cheeks and eyelashes wet with tears she had shed for another man.  
Okay, maybe not.

Maybe it would be nice...just to take a few pills.

Like old times.

Like when I'd take twelve pain killers and sleep the night away, sleep most of the day away.

Unhealthy, yes.

The best feeling ever...yes, that too. Well, after the dry heaving, and the nauseating headache that made me stick a toothbrush down my throat so that I could stop.

I got up quickly, ignoring the head rush. It resulted in the catching of my knee on the coffee table's sharp corner, letting me skin my knee.

Jesus, Karma's too good.

I tottered into the bathroom, swinging open the cabinet and pushing myself up onto my tip toes so that I can find them, on the second shelf.

Pain killers.

My best friends for so long. Jasper made them unnecessary.

"I've missed you." I whispered sickeningly to the packet, almost fondling it, before ripping into the packet and depositing into my open palm a grand total of six pain killers.

"Damn it!" I screamed out loud, hurting my own ears.

Six pain killers.

Well, I was royally fucked.

God knows how I'd sleep now – God only knows how I'd get away from this shit.

I decided to take a shower, and hopefully take my mind off the image of Edward with his hands all over Tanya.

The water dribbled out unsurely, cold at first, but began warming by the time I'd fully stepped under the now steady flow. I began washing my hair, rubbing with more vigour as I became more agitated.

Why did I care about Tanya and Edward? I loved Jasper!

Soon enough, my shampoo-condition-shampoo-condition ritual was done, I decided I should shave.

Shaving was probably one of my least favourite tasks, but was always the quickest, unless I was meticulous, since I had a guard on my razor. I looked down to the bottom shelf on the shower base, and scanned around for my pink razor – which was suddenly nowhere to be found.

Jasper's, however, lay next to his shampoo bottle, and I assumed he wouldn't mind me using it.

I eyed it carefully – there was no safety guard on this. It was just a blade... a blade that could do so much damage.

No!

I couldn't do that. I couldn't, not when I had been doing so well.

I picked up the razor gingerly, holding it like one would hold a grenade. If I was careful, I could do this. I sat down on the shower floor, and let the pale skin of my inner arm face me.

Riddled with scars.

They were fading now- Jasper had bought me some kind of 'bio oil' that visibly lessened the appearance of scars, and it was doing its job, admittedly. It looked like virgin skin, apart from the almost-silver-somewhat-pink lines that had been hacked into my skin.

Gently, gently.

Gently.

Gently.

I dragged it lightly across my skin.

Quickly, quickly.

A small line of red appeared, and I nearly cried, nearly kissed the crimson devil as it filled the line.

Harder, harder.

Deeper, deeper.

Harder. Deeper.

A quick flash of pain that didn't actually hurt; the adrenalin kicked in and I let out an euphoric sigh, letting my limp arm drop down beside me, my knuckles softly colliding with the shower base.

I closed my eyes, rested my head on the cool tile.

Home.

Not my shower, not my bathroom, not my bedroom. Nothing that made my home, but this, cutting, it was home.

Wherever I was, whoever I was with, whenever. It was home.

I realised how much I'd missed it, and a short laugh escaped me.

I opened my eyes.

Red.

Too much red.

God, the white base was red, red with my blood. Crimson regrets dripping from my arm.

Shit. I'd done bad.

I'd done _very fucking bad. _

Oh my God. I was bleeding so much...

"Fuck! Christ..."

I slapped my arm against the gash. It would be okay, I'd gone across the road!

I'd gone across the fucking road!

I stumbled out of the shower, grabbing a towel to press against my arm.

"I went across the _fucking road_!" I screamed, throwing open the cabinet and finding another two packets of painkillers.

One was empty.

The other had five tiny white pills in them.

Eleven

Eleven was okay.

"Eleven is great!" I spoke out loud.

"Eleven sure is great!" They said, a smile in their voice.

I pressed the towel harder against my arm, until it hurt – the towel was mingling with the throb of my arm now, patches of blood appearing on the surface of the towel.

I turned the tap on, and gulped down as much water as I could. Then gulped some more.

I held the water, frigid, in my mouth, and then popped some pills with my good hand. In they went, mingling with the water.

Making acquaintances.

Making friends.

Making love.

I swallowed all three – three was as many as I could do in one gulp. And then started again.

"Go on, baby. You just need to take two more and you're done baby, you're done." They crooned.

But then, it was like a gong had been struck in my head.

Had to get out.

Get out of the apartment.

Get out of the building.

Get out of the world.

I ran to the door, stumbling as I went, and then as I wrenched the door open-

"Bella. Bella, baby, you can't go outside. You're naked. What's wrong with you?"

I laughed. "You're right. Only crazy people go outside naked."

They cackled, I cackled too. "That's right. And you're not crazy, you just need to go to sleep baby."

"Yeah, sleep." I mumbled, turning around and careening into the couch.

I ricocheted off it and smashed my head into the bookcase.

"Ow!" I said miserably, even though it didn't hurt. I was spinning, feeling something wet, something warm on my head.

"Oh, baby, did you hit your head? Come on, go to sleep, go to bed." Their fingers seemed to pull me and caress me.

"Want to sleep now, sleep now..." I mumbled.

"Sure honey. Sure, rockabye baby. Hushabye baby." They let me go, and I curled, crawled onto the edge of the bed.

"Bye bye baby."

**Watching me, wanting me  
I can feel you pull me down  
Fearing you, loving you  
I won't let you pull me down  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Shae is an absolutely outstanding beta. **

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I walked slowly, at first. Quick out of the door, then slow. I wanted to keep distance between us for a small amount of time. Take the long way over there. I tried to decide what I'd say while I walked over to their residence, but somehow the words wouldn't come out right, even if I spoke them out loud.

I was just so angry with her.

For everything.

For coming here.

For being so fucking beautiful.

For being so interesting.

For taking Jasper away.

For loving him.

For not wanting me.

For making me love her.

For not loving me.

After circling the block twice, I still hadn't come up with anything. I was walking quicker, and I was more frantic. I just wanted to see her.

I ran a marathon up their stairs, ignoring my already elevated heart rate and near hyperventilation. I dragged my restless hands through my hair, breathing heavily, wondering if I looked okay, as I got to their floor.

Fuck, I couldn't wait to see her. Even if I was angry with her.

I'd been here so many times, but never seen her here. What would she look like?

Would she stick out like a sore thumb?

Or would she fit in perfectly?

I hoped it was the former; I didn't want her to fucking fit with him.

She should fit with _me._

Something felt wrong as I stepped forward cautiously. I approached the door slowly, the door itself not visible yet. Then I realised, as it came into view, what was wrong.

It was wide open.

The bookshelf was visible to me, where it had always been by the door. The extra books were new, but then again, they were probably Bella's books, or new ones Jasper had bought- he always bought new ones.

But there was something else new, too. A small smear of red on the edge of the side panel.

Well, bigger than small.

Of red. Of blood.

"Fuck!" I cried out, and launched myself to the door, digesting the smashed glass, the mess in the room, the books on the floor.

And there she was, curled on the bed.

Naked.

I couldn't help my reaction – I pitched a tent instantly. She did that to me. I couldn't stop it even in a vulnerable position such as this.

Whatever anger I'd felt towards her evaporated. She was sleeping. Peacefully, deeply. But there was a crinkle above her brow I wanted to smooth out. Alongside, from under her wet hair, past the crinkle, and onto the bedding, ran a lopsided trail of fresh blood.

Fuck.

My baby was bleeding, my baby girl was bleeding.

I walked quietly but quickly back to the door, shut it.

I lifted her wet hair from her brow, and at her hairline, was a bit of a gash. I knew it wasn't as bad as it looked- head cuts just bled a damn lot. She was still too pale, though. She'd skinned her knee, too, and beads of blood were beginning to come to the surface.

"Bella? Bella, baby? Bella, God, please wake up!" I shook her gently, trying not to get frantic – it was difficult. She shifted barely a minute amount, made no sound. I noticed she had a bloodstained towel covering her left arm, but just assumed it was blood from her head.

I ran to the bathroom, dodging the table – maybe that was how she'd hurt her knee? - and grabbed a flannel, wetting it with the cold water from the sink.

It was then that I noticed the mess the bathroom was in – the cabinet was open, the cupboard's contents scattered on the floor, and the water in the shower was still running, Jasper's razor sitting on the floor, being battered by the onslaught of water.

I shot back to Bella, wiping her head with the wet flannel and laying it on her head.

I shook her a bit harder this time – she couldn't sleep.

How long _had_ she been asleep?!

"Edward Anthony Fucking CULLEN you fucking cunt!" I growled out loud. "If you'd only come here earlier..."

She might've been okay.

"Bell, please wake up honey. Please." I crooned, stroking her head, shaking her lightly. She stirred, finally.

A low groan, a pained groan.

"It's okay, Bella, I'll go get you some water. Just wake up, it's Edward, baby, it's Edward." I ran back to the bathroom remembering the glass I'd seen. I turned off the shower before going to get the glass by the side of the sink , and tripped over a tiny box. I bent down, curious, and picked it up.

Painkillers.

An open box of painkillers. There was nothing inside, but there was an empty pill-thing lying not too far away. Shit.

And another empty packet. And another empty pill-thing. I wondered what the fuck those things were called, but when I saw the third, open, empty packet, I stopped caring. I ran to Bella with the water that had accumulated.

She was groaning, holding her head and moving ever so slightly.

"Bella? Bella? Drink this, drink this for me honey." I pulled her up and held the cup to her lips.

She drank greedily.

She collapsed back on the bed, glass drained.

I talked to her, shook her now and again as she came to and I walked about, cleaning the mess in the apartment.

God knows what would happen when Jazz returned home.

"Edward?" She spoke finally, slurred, but louder. I turned; she was sitting up, eyes open, pupils dilated.

And her beauty, her vulnerability, the way she'd terrified me...it made me angry.

"What the fuck did you do, Bella? I came in and you were naked, and you were sleeping and your head was bleeding and then I saw the painkiller packets...please tell me you didn't take three fucking packets of aspirin, Jesus we need to get you to the hospital, oh fuck, please...shit, oh God...."

I grabbed her right arm and shook her.

"Nah," she said, smiling all kooky and slapping my hand. "I only took 'leven. Kinda shit really, don't you think? Usually take like twelve...you know, for as many kilos as you weigh, your body can take one-hundred-and-fifty aspirin per kilo...or something...aspirin... one-hundred-and-fifty grams...meters...kilos...I don't know, isn't that funny?" She smiled as she slurred and collapsed into my waiting arms.

She felt good in my arms, and I revelled in it while I shouted at her, shook her. "For fuck's sake, Bella! What the fuck were you doing taking those?"

She pushed gently against my hold, and then spoke quietly. Her eyes were closed.

"Sleep. Wanted to forget about you fucking Tanya."

She cares.

_She cares._

Oh my fucking God.

Maybe she loves me.

Maybe she does want me.

Oh my _GOD._

Happiness brimmed in my heart, in my head, spurted through all of me. I clutched her a bit tighter.

"I mean, yeah...um...tired. Don't really know what I'm saying." She was staring up at me, tears in her eyes, and I felt my heart plummet. She didn't care, did she?

It was the drugs, the concussion.

She didn't give a fuck.

"Fuck it." I moaned, hoping that no words would escape me just as they did. I wanted her so much, I loved her, I loved her...and she didn't care. Would never care.

"Think it's best if you leave, now..." She murmured, clutching at her arm suddenly – I felt her fingers move against my ribs.

I looked down, saw her clutching the bloodstained towel back to her arm; it had slipped and revealed the goriness hidden beneath it.

It wasn't blood from her head.

My baby was hurting herself.

"Bella! The fuck...your arm....oh my God...fuck, Bella, Bella!"

"I...I did it to forget, just, just, get out!" She screamed, and suddenly, I was aware of her bright eyes and her tears running just as mine were. "GET OUT!" She screamed, louder, again.

I could feel her warm, naked body against me and I didn't want to leave.

Now that I had her, even if she was broken, I never wanted her to go, never wanted to go, never wanted to let her go.

"JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!" She screamed, and it hurt my ears with its intensity somehow more than it hurt me.

I'd hurt her and she'd hurt herself.

"But Bella, you're bleeding, I need to...I need to help you, baby, I..." I was sobbing.

She stopped for a second, and locked eyes with me.

Tears ran from my eyes, and they continued in hers.

The fire between us roared.

I could feel her quick breaths on my jaw.

She licked her lips.

I leaned forward, her cut up arm pressing into me as her body neared mine.

We kissed.

She did not kiss me, I did not kiss her. We just kissed, together as one entity. They say it takes two to tango, but this time, it was only one. We were both halves, and we made one. We threw away her cutter, we threw away her blood, we threw away my aggression and we threw away my drugs, we threw away all of our hurt and we were.

We just were.

Her cold lips parted minutely and we split back again, and she looked up at me, eyes accusing somehow. She could see into my soul.

And I could feel her blood seeping into my t-shirt.

"Get out." She whispered.

So I did.

_I know I shouldn't love you.  
There's just too much to fake.  
But you see me, and I feel you.  
And I am not afraid.  
I'm not afraid. _


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

"What the fuck did you do, Bella? I came in and you were naked, and you were sleeping and your head was bleeding and then I saw the painkiller packets...please tell me you didn't take three fucking packets of aspirin, Jesus we need to get you to the hospital, oh fuck, please...shit, oh God...."

"Nah," I said, slapping the hand that was tight on my arm while its owner rambled. "I only took 'leven. Kinda shit really, don't you think? Usually take like twelve...you know, for as many kilos as you weigh, your body can take one-hundred-and-fifty aspirin per kilo...or something...aspirin... one-hundred-and-fifty grams...meters...kilos...I don't know, isn't that funny?" I smiled and collapsed into his arms.

The room spun, a song in its spin.

"For fuck's sake, Bella! What the fuck were you doing taking those?" He growled.

"Sleep. Wanted to forget about you fucking Tanya."

He was silent.

Oh, fuck.

Good Lord. Why in the Holy Eucharists' name did I say that out loud?

"I mean, yeah...um...tired. Don't really know what I'm saying." Tears started to brim in my suddenly too clear eyes.

"Fuck it." I heard him grumble under his breath- was I meant to hear it?

"Think it's best if you leave, now..." I slurred, suddenly feeling the stinging-throb from my exposed arm. It felt wet and sticky; I clutched at it.

He saw.

"Bella! The fuck...your arm....oh my God...fuck, Bella, Bella!" His green eyes were popping so violently that it was easy to ignore the deep purple circles under his eyes and the veins in his blood shot eyes that I'd noted with worry.

"I...I did it to forget, just, just, get out!" I screamed.

He stared at me, he stared at me while my tears ran and as his dropped to my bare legs, they mingled with mine. "GET OUT!" I screamed, louder, again.

I was bleeding, my head, still murky, registered this.

I'd cut myself and my head pounded and my arm ached and I just wanted to fucking sleep, which I couldn't do with his heart reaching out to mine.

It shouldn't reach out to mine.

"JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!" I screamed so loud it penetrated the fog that surrounded me and it hurt my throat. It hurt all over.

"But Bella, you're bleeding, I need to...I need to help you, baby, I..." I was sobbing, and he was sobbing.

And he called me baby.

"You're not his baby, Bella."

I was his baby.

"You're our baby. You should sleep like we tell you to."

Did he want me like I wanted him?

"Come on, baby. Hushabye, rockabye."

Did he feel like I felt?

"He doesn't want you. No one does."

I stopped listening to my heart thundering with the questions and locked eyes with him.

"We want you."

The want, the power between us, it reeled me in.

Hook, line and sinker.

I was gone.

He leaned into me, his warm skin pressing into my cold body and my arm protesting as the open wound pressed against his shirt.

We kissed.

We just kissed, and it was beautiful.

So much more than I had ever felt in my life, so much more...it felt like I would be Bella and Edward, and that was better than Bella, or even Bella and Jasper.

Jasper.

I broke the kiss, the warmth of his lips against me. My arm hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt.

My lips tingled with the kiss and the next words that escaped them were correct, they were just. They were what should have escaped them.

"Get out."

Even if I didn't want him to.

He walked away.

The door was left open behind him, just like I'd left it.

"See? Doesn't want you baby, sleep now."

My eyes lost focus and my head throbbed. I dropped against the bed again, like a wilting flower.

Time passed; I wasn't sure how long. It felt like a long-short time. A never-ending-never-beginning time. A lull and a throb, my head did not hurt and my arm did not ache and my tears did not run in this time. It was forever and it was a second. I would never be suspended in time like that ever again, like I was hanging on the swing of the pendulum forever.

My eyes opened. I felt sick, so sick.

I rolled off the bed and vomited violently onto the floor. It stung my throat, and I shuddered, unable to move any part of my body as it flew from my mouth, catching in strands of my damp hair while it curled. My arm was burning, on fire. My head throbbed, and I just wanted to sleep.

But I couldn't think: only thing I could concentrate on was the waterfall from my mouth, straining me. I couldn't breathe and thought I would pass out, when it stopped.

I coughed; I swallowed; about to start crying, and I'd nearly been crying all the time he was here, all the time I was sleeping...but now it was like...

It was like I was safe, and they wouldn't come.

The stupid, salty traitors wouldn't appear unless they could betray me.

Just when I needed relief, just when I needed to grieve for myself.

I was safe...and they wouldn't come.

Brimming but not falling.

Bastards.

All I wanted was a few tears, something to stop this crippling pain inside of me.

And all I could feel is sick burning, rising up my throat until I was sure I was going to throw up.

Jasper walked in through the door, the wide smile on his face suddenly disappearing.

The tears breached the sides, running down my face in torrents and I let out a gut wrenching sob.

Bastards.

_And I bleed you since I've healed you.  
Your pain escapes through me.  
'Cause I breathe you, but I hate you.  
'Cause they say we could never be. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Thanks, again to shaelove, my amazing beta.**

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"It'll all be okay, baby. I love you, Bella. I love you so much." Jasper whispered and sang in my ear, kissing me, caressing me.

The hospital bed was too hard, and the plastic underneath the sheet crinkled uncomfortably. The air reeked of disinfectant, and my throat was raw. The IV drip in my hand was unfamiliar and it irritated me.

"Bella," Jasper dragged the tip of his nose along my jaw, squeezing my fingers tightly. "Bella, Bella, Bella." He murmured and I felt tears tip from my eyes, hitting his skin. "You were doing so well, love. It's okay, love. It's okay."

He hadn't asked any questions yet. Just told me he loved me.

They had pumped my stomach, stitched my head – four stitches – and there was tight gauze on my arm. I'd had a blood transfusion. My head throbbed, my throat screamed, and my arm just lay there.

Absent.

I felt absent, too. Quiet, lulling.

Jasper was tear stained, haggard. A heavy burden on his shoulders. He looked thinner than usual, falling apart. I had trouble staying awake, and often fell asleep for ten minutes or so while he cried silently and doused me in his love.

It was six in the morning. Jasper clung to my hand, pressing kisses into it.

"How are you feeling baby?"

Guilty. "It hurts, that's all. Not as bad as I used to have."

He nuzzled my hand. "You know they'll suggest a counsellor and another help group. Maybe even antidepressants."

"I know." I whispered, turning away and staring at the door, the white walls, the speckled floor, the tiled ceiling – anywhere, anything to get away from this.

I was starting to crave nicotine.

"I'm sorry I left it there. I'm so sorry. I didn't think you'd try. I didn't think it would happen."

"I know. It was wrong of me to abuse your trust. You've been using it all this time safely and then I just choose to go crazy with it." I hung my head. Resisted the urge to stick my finger in my mouth and hope there was still a nicotine kiss on my skin.

Jasper let out a breath he'd been holding. "No. I'm sorry, I should have told you earlier."

I looked up, rubbing my fingers together. I would be strong. I wouldn't show how badly I needed a cigarette right now. "What do you mean babe?"

"Oh, God..." He fingered the corner of his sleeve.

It was then that I noticed. He was wearing long sleeves.

And now that I was thinking about it, every night we made love in the dark, I'd clawed off a long sleeved shirt, or a jacket on top of a wife beater. Always in the dark.

And sometimes when my bitten fingernails made contact with his skin, he'd suck in a sharp breath or flinch.

"No." I whispered, looking him in the eyes. "Please, no."

I wouldn't say it, I wouldn't even think it. It was one thing me doing it, and doing it badly, but him...no. Not my Jasper.

Because he was my Jasper. That I knew. It was not Edward I wanted by my bedside now, I wanted Jasper. Jasper who smelled of leather, Jasper whose skinny arms wrapped around my skinny waist, Jasper who fed me cigarettes, Jasper whose smile filled my world and Jasper who made love to me. It was full of love. I wasn't a fair weather fuck for him.

I loved him. I knew that, and I hoped he knew that too. Did it matter whether Edward fucking holier-than-thou Cullen was messing up my head? No. It didn't change how I felt for Jasper because of that ass hole.

"Bella. I love you."

"I love you too." I breathed.

I knew what was coming next. The guilt and pain in his eyes, the fingers fumbling with the sleeve.

It would roll up and expose what I did not want to see.

And it did.

"I didn't want to upset you, I didn't want you to relapse. I thought you were doing so well. And I was being careful. Never a lot of blood, just enough to sting and to make me happy."

Up his arm were tiny slices, three centimetres in length at the most. They didn't look too deep; most were scabbing over by now. Some looked fresher than others. Singularly, they weren't too bad.

All together, they repulsed me.

Jasper's arm looked like it was diseased, as though it was being eaten inside out by some kind of maggots.

"I didn't want to hurt you." He said when I finally looked up at him.

"That's not all, is it?" My voice was too quiet and controlled to be a sob, but tears ran down my cheeks.

"I don't want to show you them now. It'll upset you. I thought...I wanted you to...I just thought you were doing so well, and I thought you thought I was doing so well but I wasn't and I'm not but I didn't want to tell you and make you worse or to make you think I didn't love you any more." He rolled his sleeve back down and stood up. I almost asked him not to leave, but was silenced when he laid down on the bed next to me, wrapping his skinny arms around my small form. "Please tell me I haven't ruined it for us. Please."

"I love you Jasper. I'll always love you." I kissed his material covered arm. "Scars and all. We're just a bit fucked up."

"We'll get better." He smiled. "We've got each other."

"Yes. We'll be beautiful and sick and we'll be so disgusting and dependant people run from us." I smiled him a wide, watery smile. If only I could make every word I uttered now a reality - a truth - for the future more than just a hope for it.

"And we'll sit together in the apartment, and it'll get dirtier and more like a hovel every time I step in the door after work, and we'll smoke cigarettes and hide half cuts of vodka under our bed and you'll be perpetually intoxicated and beautiful. We'll stop cutting and I'll read books about sickness in the past – war and fighting- and you'll read The Bell Jar and Wasted and we'll immerse ourselves in the sickness of the world and fester there together."

"And we'll grow older, get wrinkles and smile lines and my life will revolve around 2.30 when you come home, cigarettes and my vodka. We'll live and love and be disgusting in our hovel." I smiled almost viciously. "Every time a gig comes to town that we like, we'll attack the place and rock out until I collapse and you have to carry me home without my shoes because I'll have lost them."

"Then we'll make love." He smiled, and I pressed my lips to him, breathing on his shirt so that the fabric became warm.

"I want you now." I almost growled.

"I want you now." He repeated.

"You know what else I'd kill for?"

"No need to kill for me honey, I'm more than willing." His hand squeezed my thigh gently.

"I'd kill for a cigarette. I already have you wrapped around my finger." I giggled.

I craned my neck up and kissed him.

"You two are just the sweetest, ain't 'cha?" The nurse waddled in once we broke apart, standing by the door watching us as we revelled in each other.

I laughed. "Candy coated."

"How long've you been together?" She asked.

"Six months." Jasper said, sitting up so that we didn't look too tangled up in each other.

"You're both just too cute." She smiled. "I remember when I was like you." Jasper and I both went to speak, but she'd moved on before we could with a touch of pain in her voice. "So...Bella," she looked at my chart. "How long has the man candy been with you here? Have you gotten any sleep?"

"She hasn't had much sleep, just dozing off for fifteen minutes then waking back up." Jasper answered for me.

"He's been here since three o' clock." I answered for him.

We smiled at each other.

"You should go home..."

"Jasper, ma'am." His southern twang was always more prominent when his voice was lower.

"Jasper, just to get cleaned up or to eat or sleep or something. I'm sure Bella'll benefit from a bitta shut eye, and so would you. She'll still be here whenever you get back, unless the therapist wants to see her."

Even though the nurse was making it sound like his decision, her motherly demeanour hid a controlling woman, and I knew he couldn't really say no to her, just like he could never say no to me.

"Okay. Thanks June." He'd read her badge, he told me later.

He leaned in to kiss me and I whispered in his ear, "Promise the first thing you'll do is throw it away."

Our kiss was chaste, passionate and over too soon. He did not answer, nor did he promise as he walked out of my room in the dim light of morning.

_We are all candy covered on the outside  
Peel away the shell and we're rotting on the inside  
We are all angry, angry on the outside_

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_BIG NEWS EVERYONE!

**Coffee House has been nominated for an award, the twilight all human awards: best incomplete all human twilight fanfiction. Nominations will end on the 29th June and voting will begin on the 1st August and end on the 25th August. ********Winners will be announced on the 26th or 27th August!**

**I'd love it if you guys could go on over there and vote for your favourite all human fanfiction! The link is**

twilightallhumanawards(dot)webs(dot)com

**You guys know where to fill in the dots!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**I'm a bad girl, I'm sorry. I need to start actually paying attention to the shit I'm writing and forcing onto you guys. Sorry, again. A thousand sorries!**

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Seven hours.

Seven hours.

Seven hours since I'd left her.

Why did I do it? I didn't know. Well actually, I did know – I was a twat, a blithering idiotic twat who didn't really give a fuck about anyone other than himself, apart from one girl who he loved so much that it physically hurt every time he saw her because he could not wrap her in his arms and call her his. Yes, I was that guy.

The one that you see being possessive over his chick, nuzzling her neck and smelling her hair and the whole she-bang in public. The kind of guy you want to tell to go get a fucking room you asshole, before they start mating on top of the nearest surface.

Except I didn't have the chick, so it was just me pining.

I always had a fucking face on, apparently. I was never smiling any more, either. For fuck's sake, Edward, was I even listening to what Tanya was telling me?

"No for the record, Tan, I wasn't."

She bristled. "Go to hell, you self righteous cunt."

"Don't get catty 'cause I haven't tapped your ass in a while. I've got the money; I can pay for licensed whores now."

"Don't try calling me a whore, Edward. We both know you wouldn't talk to me on a regular basis if you thought I was a whore. You're just 'catty'," she made air quotations with her fingers, "because baby girl is in the hospital. What happened?"

She was right; I knew it as well as she knew I did. "Shut up, Tanya. Don't talk about her like that."

"She's gone crazy again, huh? Slashed up her wrists real nice?" Tanya cackled, turning around to replace an appendage of the coffee machine just as my hand reached out to grab a fistful of her shirt and beat her to within an inch of her life. Did I give a fuck if she was a woman?

Yes, I did. I was against that wife-beating shit. I wasn't my father.

When Tanya'd turned back around, I was slightly calmer, and her face was lined with regret. "Sorry, Edward. I like Bella, but I like getting under your skin more; I didn't mean to be so harsh. I know she and Jas have a problem."

I just breathed in and out, then blurted out something that, in hindsight, I should have drunk out of my brain a few hours ago. "I was with her."

"What cha' mean there sailor? Wanna 'nother coffee?"

I nodded, and continued. "I was there...when she cut herself up. I got there afterwards."

"Holy fucking shit, Ed! You were there when she was cutting herself?" Tanya poured something extra in my coffee and slammed it in front of me.

"No, I told you. I walked in and the door was wide open and she'd smashed the place up and she was covered in blood and there were loads of packets of pills everywhere, and she was naked..."

"Naked, huh." Tanya grew a peculiar look on her face. "What's she like?"

"Heavenly." I hissed, before taking a large gulp of the burning coffee. It stung my tongue and throat on the way down, just how the masochistic ass liked it. "But I felt dirty liking her like that when she was so fucked up. I wanted to get her to the hospital...but she told me to leave."

"And you fucking left? When she was in that state? God Edward you're more of a fucking idiot than I thought you were!"

"Well she wasn't too bad and she kept on screaming and she was naked..."

"Yeah, I heard the naked part the first time you asshole." She rolled her eyes, and leaned forward so I got an eyeful of her tits. I could easily make out the lock she'd had tattooed in her cleavage. I never really got that story out of her; I'd have to ask another time... "Look, I'm not sayin' who told me, but it's been going round that she was like...proper _insane_. Like, blood painted all over the walls, entire apartment torn apart, _messages_ written on the walls in _blood_...is that what it was like?"

"No! God, no! It was nothing like that, she was just a bit bloody and she was naked..." I trailed off again, thinking of her milky flesh.

"The entire fucking apartment could've been red with blood and you wouldn't have noticed just 'cause she was naked!" Tanya growled, flinging a dirty dishrag behind her that she'd been using to mop the counter, pissed that I'd done her out of gossip gold.

"True," I admitted sheepishly.

"Only one thing for it, then, right?" Tanya smirked.

"Oh you're fucking kidding!" I hissed at her, looking around. The girl couldn't be serious! Either that or she was out of her mind.

"Jasper's been in the hospital overnight with her, hasn't he? And if it were you, would you leave her?"

"Like Hell." I smiled bitterly. If only I had the chance.

"So we go in, check the place out, and leave! No harm, no foul...just some solid evidence of whether or not the place is like something out of a fucking horror film...They said she'd written your name in blood on the door!"

Well, that I had to see, naturally.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Enjoy. Shae has once again been an amazing beta.  
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Today I was coming out of the hospital after 5 days. I'd been kept in for observation or something, and I was glad I would be back in our apartment because I couldn't get the fuck out of the white box room quick enough.

After Jasper had left for some sleep and some food – and probably, some cigarettes – I'd laid in the box room craving a cigarette and listening to the hustle and bustle behind my door.

He'd stayed away an entire day. I was lonely and going out of my mind with nicotine cravings and I was ready to slit my wrists all over again if it meant I'd get one fucking cig. By the time he turned up the next morning I was ready to slit the motherfucker's throat and use his skin as rolling paper.

It was dark in my room but I saw the sheen of the dim light of the corridor on his hair.

"You fucking asshole!" I growled. "Where the fuck have you been? I've been going insane here, and haven't even called to say where the fuck you are, you couldn't have been sleeping all fucking day, and I know there wasn't that much blood on the walls so don't give me some shit that you've been fixing up the apartment because it's _my_ blood on the walls and you left me _alone_ in a hospital for 24 hours!" I inhaled, and exhaled. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I said, after he'd been silent for a good minute. "Are you going to give me some shit made up excuse and apologize or stand there like a fucking mute?"

He walked forward to my bed and sat on the mint green chair. And I saw his excuse.

His face was ugly, bruised dark plum purple and swollen; his lip had clearly been split. He reached his hand up to hold mine and his knuckles were sliced and swollen too.

I recoiled from the sight but inclined my head, anger forgotten.

"What happened to you baby? Are you okay? Have you seen a doctor?" I grabbed his better-of-the-two hand.

"It's a really long story doll face," he breathed, his voice low and pained. His breath stank of vodka and I didn't blame him.

"Do you wanna tell me?" I whispered; goose bumps rising all over my skin as I imagined what kind of trouble we could be in. Did we owe money I didn't know about? Did he get mugged? Would there be a court case?

"I went out to get some white paint around 11, 'cause the walls are gonna need a bit of covering up in places..." As though he sensed my worry, he appeased it. "Only little spots where you fell, it's not really bad, it's just 'cause it dried." I nodded quickly. "Anyway, so I went out, and when I got back in, the door was slightly open and I thought, shit, did I leave it open? But I knew I hadn't, so then I knew it was burglars or some shit. So I took the paint can – it was really fucking heavy, good weapon I guess – and crept in real slow, and I just saw these dark shapes, one tall and one smaller, talking. They were facing the bathroom so I couldn't see who they were and I just smashed the can over the big guy's head. He collapsed and then the chick started screaming so I pushed her over – I tried to be gentle but I thought she might get me or something, you don't know with those kinda girls – and I was beating and kicking the shit into the guy, when the girl starts screaming my name telling me to stop and I turned just for a second and I realized it was Tanya-"

"Tanya, like from the bar Tanya?" I interrupted.

"Yeah, that Tanya. And the guy I was beating was Edward." There was a grimace on his face.

"Oh my God! What were they doing in there?"

"Edward said something 'bout the door being open but I knew that wasn't true, Tanya was crying and saying she just wanted to see if-" he paused.

"I don't give a fuck what people are sayin' bout me Jas so you better spit whatever you gotta say the hell out." I warned.

"She said she just wanted to see if you'd painted Edward's name on the walls like everyone was saying." He didn't have to tell me what I would have painted it with. "So then Edward was rolling on the floor bleeding and shit and I got all pissed and told him that this stupid fucking obsession he's got with you stopped right then because he was in my fucking home and it wasn't cool. God, Bella, I was so pissed. The guy is clearly head over heels for you and it's pissing me off. I _love_ you, and he used to be my best friend. He's fucked it all up..." I squeezed his hand gently and he winced. "Anyway, he got up then and told me to shut it 'cause that wasn't why he was here, and we just started shouting shit and then he started punching me and I just kinda laid there and thought 'bout you...then I realized my best fucking friend was beating me up and I wouldn't let that shit lie...so I hit him back. And I hit him half way down the stairs to our apartment. I don't know what the hell happened after that, I just lay in our shower washing the blood off, and then I got into bed. I'm sorry I left you here beautiful...I just couldn't move. My face was worse than this last night."

"God, Jasper...God, I can't believe it...I can't believe he did that to you, I can't believe it." He held me for a while, until the nurses came in and saw the mess he was. They took him away to fix him up a little and give him some medication for the pain he was visibly suffering from.

I lay in bed and thought about Edward...beating my guy up. Going into my apartment to look for something he knew wouldn't be there. With another woman. Breaking into my apartment to find me...he knew I would be there. I didn't work on Tuesdays. He took the key from under the mat...or he used his credit card to open our poor locks...I would have been sleeping, almost naked probably. He'd have come in and watched me, and I'd have woken up and he wouldn't have been able to resist me and he'd have tried to kiss me and I would have said no but I wouldn't be able to stop him and then he'd have kissed my neck and then my bare chest, and then my stomach and lower until he was at the waist band of my panties and he'd have looked up at me from there and my chest would be heaving because I wanted him so badly, and he'd have said "are you sure, babe?" and I'd have just nodded, and his fingers would have slid inside the material and slid down my hot flesh until he reached where I wanted him...

Jasper walked in, and I was suddenly aware that my hand was under the sheets, fingers just inside my waist band.

"Okay, babe?" He asked, sitting down.

I moved my hand discreetly. "Of course."

So I was getting out. And I was excited.

But more than that, I was shit scared that if Edward happened to bump into me, I'd be reliving my recurring fantasy. I couldn't fucking stop it.

When we got home, we sat on the bed companionably. He was reading; a textbook about the Civil War. I hid behind his back and pressed my face into his striped t-shirt. He smelled of his Lynx spray and I inhaled deeply. I heard him let out a soft sigh, and leaned back against the pillows of our bed. My stubby fingernails, painted red today – but chipped lightly where they'd already worn or I'd nibbled at them – crawled over his back, tracing idle patterns. I didn't care what I wrote or what I drew with my index finger, as long as I had physical contact with him.

"'Kay baby?" he mumbled.

"Sure," I breathed into his shirt, trying to focus on everything about Jasper that I loved and lusted for so that I could stop wanting Edward.

_I've been a bad, bad girl_

_I've been careless with a delicate man_

_And it's a sad, sad world_

_When a girl will break a boy-_

_just because she can._


	12. Chapter 13

Where did I last leave off? Oh yeah, I made a douchebag of myself by breaking into Jazz's apartment and getting into an epic fist fight with him that left me, surprisingly, with my ass kicked.

I guess being an assassin for the idiots with money left me practically powerless when it came to my best friend embedding his fist in my chin. Sure, I did a bit of damage...but nothing compared to the mess Jasper made of me. The motherfucker stamped on my fucking face while I was down, and sure, I've broken my nose before - but feeling like your skull is smashing into your brain isn't the same I guess. My lip was already split on the inside and out, and the blood spewing from my face left me almost blinded and drowning.

After that, obviously, I couldn't get up. Jasper just kept kicking me while I was down- literally. He broke a rib, and according to the doctors in A&E, the "muggers" as I'd dubbed him to save questioning (and my fucking deflated ego) left me severely internally bruised.

I'd had god knows how many stitches - Tanya kept telling people in the coffee house it was 88 altogether, but I knew that must've been flat out bullshit spouted by my favourite drug addict.

And even though it was bullshit, I definitely felt like I'd come out the arse of a bull.

I was bruised and battered and it hurt to smoke. It'd been a while, too, by now. Two weeks I think. Bella was out of hospital and so was Jasper. She hadn't come back to the coffee house and hadn't been seen around town, though. I knew because I'd been asking. A lot.

Tanya said Lauren said Mike said he thought he saw her buying soup in WalMart but turns out it was just Jessica.

Rocky said she hadn't been turning up to the support group but she was still down on the register, even though Jasper had been. He also said he thought he heard Jasper telling the counselor after the meeting that she'd been transferred to a private psychiatrist but when I asked some other chick from their group she said Jasper had left straight away after the meeting and hadn't spoken to anyone, even when the question was posed directly to him.

Slim had said he'd seen her picking up the paper and mail at their mailbox downstairs in the apartment building, and she'd put on weight. But Mrs Reynolds who lived next door had told me Bella had lost weight to the point of looking waif like and had a hair cut, but she looked healthier color wise and seemed to have a tint in her cheeks. She said she looked happy.

And hell, I guess that was all I could ask for. I'd made up my mind. I'd made up my mind the first day but it'd taken me til now to realize. Bella was too good for this place. It was my first thought.

I however, was not. I was destined to stay here with Tanya and die young, and probably alone. I would never feel Bella's lips on mine, I'd never hear her say she loved me. Or that she even liked me. And you know what, I didn't care. I'd resigned myself to the pain I felt cause yeah, I fucking loved her. More than I did before now, more than I'd ever loved or would love anyone. And that throbbing pain in my chest, the agony that had me curling up in a ball at nights would soon become normal, like the ache I'd feel in my ribs when cold weather came around according to the hospital.

I didn't give a shit about that bleeding inside, the pain I'd feel until the day I died, as long as she was happy and safe and Jasper loved her as much as I did. Which he might not..but as long as she loved him.

Bella and Jasper moved to the small town of Forks on the 24th of August 2011. They'd been together almost two years, and I'd loved her that same amount. They stayed in Chicago for six months after the fight and I saw Bella once in those six months.

I saw her when I said goodbye.

So essentially, I spent 6 months being hopelessly in love with her without seeing hide nor hair of my darling. Sometimes when I think back now, I realize that it might not have been love, just a pretty sickening obsession. Because I've never loved anyone but her, so what I felt- oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Not me, that's for sure: I loved her. And I do love her, even now that it's all over.

Every day was difficult. So fucking difficult. I stopped working. Everything I did before her, I couldn't do it any more because not seeing her, not knowing if she was falling apart or flourishing, it was driving me insane. Tanya kept saying the longer I went without seeing her, the less it would hurt, _time heals all_ and that...but it didn't. It just got worse and worse. I became such a shell of a man I didn't recognize the waster in the mirror.

On the last day, she was dressed in dark wash jeans and an orange and cream checked shirt. She had a band tee on underneath but I wasn't really paying much attention. She was loading a bunch of boxes into the back of her car. I was walking back from the coffee house and I was kinda drunk, but I was always drunk anyway so it didn't make much of a difference. I couldn't tell if she'd had her hair cut since it was up in a messy pony tail, but she'd put on a bit of weight like I'd been told. It looked good on her, she had curves now and her cheeks weren't sunken in. I wanted to cry she was so beautiful, with a tiny sheen of sweat on her forehead from all the lifting.

"Where you going?" I called from across the street. I couldn't resist, it was like a dream and for once I wouldn't wake up damning myself for not knowing the answer, I'd find out. The real truth.

She looked up all flustered; she hadn't seen me. But when she did there was something behind her eyes, a little light, or maybe an entire fucking bonfire. She frowned at the same time, so I s'pose it could've meant any damn thing at all. I liked to think it meant she felt the same as me, even for that split second. How seeing her again was like all the cells in my body were stinging and burning and jumping up and down, and my heart was beating so fast I thought I was gonna get dizzy. How I could breathe easier just by knowing she was close enough to touch.

"Moving, what's it look like?" She said, slight edge to her voice. Panicked.

I crossed the road until I was literally within touching distance of her. My brain was screaming _SHE'S HERE, OH FUCK SHE'S SO CLOSE _

_GRAB HER _

_KISS HER _

_OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU_

_ TELL HER YOU LOVE HER_

_ I LOVE YOU I CAN'T HELP IT _

_PLEASE JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME BACK_ but I was very calm, I think.

"Nice. You weren't gonna say goodbye?" Smile a little at her Edward, go on big boy. You can be her friend.

She looked a bit stumped by that, and she slapped the sides of her thighs once, twice, gently. "I didn't think it would be appropriate. But hey, I guess I have the chance to, now."

We stared at each other for a minute. "Where are you going to?"

"Forks. Washington. Cute lil place I guess- homey. Nice to raise a family, settle down." She let the weight of her words sink in while my stomach did two flips. Bella with _my_ baby was a beautiful image. Jasper's baby? Not so much.

"Guess you're not going alone then."

"Nah. Jazz just popped down to the coffee house to say bye to everyone. Thought I'd stay here, finish up."

We kicked the dust for a second and then I thought, fuck it. She's going to some place I've never been, and I'll never go. I have nothing to lose. "You and me would have been good together."

She smiled and it broke my heart. "I know, Edward, we would've. Just didn't work out like that did it."

"Doesn't change the fact I love you," I spat out.

And then it was out. Like a sledgehammer against my skull, smashing against the concrete like the lid of a saucepan clattering against the kitchen floor. She _knew_, now. It was over, and just beginning, all at the same time. I wondered for a while afterwards if I'd had the balls to tell her before, would it have changed anything?

She stepped forward first. I maintained that until the day I died, up against the brick wall of the coffee house three months later with a gun to my temple. After she left, I just wasn't quick enough any more. People caught up to me. Hey, I'm not complaining, it's done now- I wasn't really doing much with my life anyway. Die young, stay pretty.

But I'm running off track. Weird, cause it was such an epic, defining moment- but whenever I think of it, I trail off into death and life and everything between before and after.

She stepped forward, and said my name. I was busy being embarrassed.

"Sorry, Bell," her name rolled off my tongue like a drop of syrup. "Bit inappropriate I guess."

Her hand came up to cup my face. "I could've loved you, Edward. But I never knew you, we could've been friends, lovers, whatever. I just didn't get to know you. I love Jasper. And I'm leaving. So...anything...it...it's never going to happen." I tried to look away but it was fucking difficult. Her little nails were digging gently into my skin, enough pressure just to leave a little indentation. "I would've liked it to, though."

"I can't so much as look at another girl the way I look at you," I blurted. "Seeing you with Jas, it actually kills me inside. Call me pathetic, but you're actually all I think about."

She frowned, let go of me. "I can't see why, Edward. There's no reason for it."

"I've never been this caught up with anyone. It's ruining me." Thinking back, did I have some kind of drink that made me spill out the truth? I had to tell her, though. She had to know.

"What about Tanya?" She accused.

"Yeah, I speak to her, I fuck her occasionally, I keep going back I know, but it's not the same since you. I'm not gonna be happy unless it's with you."

"There's nothing I can do." She was nice and blunt with me, at least.

"There's plenty you could do, you just don't want to." I smiled. "Can I blame you, though? I'm practically a stranger, running up to you in the street and telling you I love you." I laughed. "If I told you right now to stay here with me and I'd make you the happiest girl alive, you wouldn't. Doesn't change a damn thing that you know how I feel."

"No, you're wrong." She mumbled. "I always wanted to know, what we had, what we could've. Now I know, it's good." She smiled at me then and I thought, fuck it, my girl wants to know.

So I made her know.

I kissed her soft but firm, my hand laced through her hair like it was an anchor holding me to the ground. She was hesitant for a split second then her hands clung on to me too, like we could suspend each other here, and she'd never have to leave with Jasper to the stupid empty town where their blond curly kiddies could run across the street without getting shot down in the crossfire between me and some other bastard. I saw everything I could've had with her in that kiss. The wedding, and the kids, and the grandkids, and the big fuck off mansion with two huskies and a parakeet. Everything I could've had if I didn't have such a shit lifestyle, and I'd caught up to her first somehow, some way, before a good person caught her first.

I pulled away first, after a lifetime. It was over, now. I knew that. She blinked when she opened her eyes, and they smiled at me even though her mouth never moved. We had an unspoken agreement, an understanding. It was over, done, before we'd even started. She closed the trunk of the car, and walked back into the apartment.

She didn't look back. I think she wanted to suspend the moment and remember me as that, and I hope to God she did, I hope to God she didn't come to my funeral, I hope to God she didn't imagine me the way Tanya remembers me, with my brains splattered against bricks and my eyes wide and vacant.

"Bye, Edward." The door closed.

_Gonna close my eyes_

_Girl, and watch you go_

_Running through this life darling_

_Like a field of snow_

_

* * *

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**Fin**_  
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